It all started with an innocent play date for Jake with another special needs child. The mother of that child whom I will call “Tom” has always been great and helpful to Jake, and the two of us can certainly relate on many different levels because of our experiences with our boys. So the kids were “playing”, kind of together but not really, and somehow the conversation went something like this:
Tom’s Mom: “I feel like although Tom is a lot of work, but I think you have a much harder. At least Tom can tell me if he has a tummy ache, or if he is tired or hurt. I don’t think I can deal with it if he can’t communicate, how do you deal with it?”
Me: “…………(speechless for a few seconds), I don’t know how I deal with it, I just deal with it.” More of this topic went on for a while I don’t really recall the details and the play date went on, and as usual, Jake seemed to have had fun.
It wasn’t until we came home and started to eat dinner, I was overcame with a sense of failure, defeat and sadness. I cried out that no matter how hard I try, Jake still can not do anything. What I meant was he still can not tell me if he is hungry, thirsty, tired, hurt, happy, or sad. Yes, I deal with it by anticipating his needs and wants, by guessing, by experience, and sometime things are done according to my schedule and not his, whether he likes it, needs it, wants it or not.
My very logical husband responded to my emotional outburst with two simple sentences : “ This is Jake, this is who he is.” and “You will never be happy if you only look at what he can not do.” Why is he always the logical one??? Even though at this very moment, I still feel like I have a bone to pick with God for making Jake’s life so difficult, I know my husband is right. The very first time I started this blog back in 2006 was to remind myself to look at Jake’s abilities and not his disabilities.
Maybe this was a sign from God but this morning I read the following from another online blog :“I am the impatient woman tapping my foot, angry for sickness and delay. Oh, to instead be the devastated mother who says, "This is the worst day of my life, but still, I am grateful."
Tomorrow is another day, I want to start fresh and be happy for the smiley happy, gentle child that is Jake, and be grateful for what he has accomplished.
