I fell off the wagon

Tonight I have a strong urge to blog for a different reason, I have fallen off the “being positive” wagon and I need to pick myself up, dust off, and get back on it.

It all started with an innocent play date for Jake with another special needs child. The mother of that child whom I will call “Tom” has always been great and helpful to Jake, and the two of us can certainly relate on many different levels because of our experiences with our boys. So the kids were “playing”, kind of together but not really, and somehow the conversation went something like this:

Tom’s Mom: “I feel like although Tom is a lot of work, but I think you have a much harder. At least Tom can tell me if he has a tummy ache, or if he is tired or hurt. I don’t think I can deal with it if he can’t communicate, how do you deal with it?”
Me: “…………(speechless for a few seconds), I don’t know how I deal with it, I just deal with it.” More of this topic went on for a while I don’t really recall the details and the play date went on, and as usual, Jake seemed to have had fun.

It wasn’t until we came home and started to eat dinner, I was overcame with a sense of failure, defeat and sadness. I cried out that no matter how hard I try, Jake still can not do anything. What I meant was he still can not tell me if he is hungry, thirsty, tired, hurt, happy, or sad. Yes, I deal with it by anticipating his needs and wants, by guessing, by experience, and sometime things are done according to my schedule and not his, whether he likes it, needs it, wants it or not.

My very logical husband responded to my emotional outburst with two simple sentences : “ This is Jake, this is who he is.” and “You will never be happy if you only look at what he can not do.” Why is he always the logical one??? Even though at this very moment, I still feel like I have a bone to pick with God for making Jake’s life so difficult, I know my husband is right. The very first time I started this blog back in 2006 was to remind myself to look at Jake’s abilities and not his disabilities.

Maybe this was a sign from God but this morning I read the following from another online blog :“I am the impatient woman tapping my foot, angry for sickness and delay. Oh, to instead be the devastated mother who says, "This is the worst day of my life, but still, I am grateful."

Tomorrow is another day, I want to start fresh and be happy for the smiley happy, gentle child that is Jake, and be grateful for what he has accomplished.

Max reaches a milestone

and why am I blogging about it? Because after having Jake, I don't take any of the milestones for granted. One day I was at a kids' birthday party (and this was before Max was born, in fact, I wasn't even pregnant with him at the time), I over heard someone made a comment about his daughter and kids in general :" one morning you wake up, she is crawling, a few weeks later, she is walking and talking..." I remember so vividly thinking to myself :" not all of us are so lucky..." I am not saying my friend's husband was taking anything for granted, I am just explaining why it is so special for me to see Max growing and reaching his milestones naturally. Max has brought alot of joy and normalcy into our lives, and I feel much better knowing that Jake will have a brother who will love him and help him in the days ahead.

OK, back to the actual milestone, Max has been doing this for the past few days, Then this morning, he started doing this:

Then late this evening when most babies are probably sleeping, he was doing this: But of course no one actually saw the progress in motion, because i was in the shower, and my husband who was suppose to be on baby watch duty, apparently went out of the room (which I had specifically told him not to do). He only found Max at this position.

I am off to bed, I was so tired earlier that I took a 3 hour nap, a rare treat.